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Gorgeous Georgians

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Dingy castles, daring knights

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Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

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Punishment from ancient times

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Fierce and toothless

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Mean and measly Middle Ages

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Horrible Histories presents...

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00:00:37,160 --> 00:00:39,760
Welcome to ancient Egypt.

15
00:00:39,760 --> 00:00:42,400
I am Pharaoh Rattasees II,

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00:00:42,400 --> 00:00:45,920
son of Verminhotep
and Queen Nefersqueaky.

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00:00:45,920 --> 00:00:49,440
I am your guide through the age
of the pharaohs,

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00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:53,840
the kings and queens
who ruled for 3,000 years.

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00:00:53,840 --> 00:00:56,960
They built the pyramids,
the Great Sphinx,

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00:00:56,960 --> 00:01:00,240
and secret tombs of pharaohs,
like Tutankhamun,

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00:01:00,240 --> 00:01:05,720
that are so well hidden, they won't
be found for thousands of yeaaaars!

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00:01:05,720 --> 00:01:06,840
Ow!

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Found one!

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There's some amazing stuff
in this tomb,

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00:01:12,040 --> 00:01:15,040
including an actual Pharaoh.

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Mind you, he's not dressed
as fancy as me.

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00:01:17,760 --> 00:01:21,720
You see, when pharaohs die,
they get a bit of a makeover.

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Ooh!

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Hiya! Hello!

30
00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:30,480
We have a very special
royal surprise for someone today.

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00:01:30,480 --> 00:01:32,920
Yeah. We have got a makeover
to die for.

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00:01:32,920 --> 00:01:34,880
Let's go and give them
the good news.

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00:01:34,880 --> 00:01:36,880
Wow! Seti I,

34
00:01:36,880 --> 00:01:39,120
recently deceased Egyptian pharaoh.

35
00:01:39,120 --> 00:01:41,480
We're going to be dressing you
for Duat,

36
00:01:41,480 --> 00:01:43,040
the Egyptian afterlife!

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00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:44,800
Surprise! Yay!

38
00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:46,320
Oh, bless!

39
00:01:46,320 --> 00:01:48,160
I think someone is a bit
overwhelmed.

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And also dead.

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Let's get on and do this.

42
00:02:03,760 --> 00:02:07,480
So, Seti, you simply can't go on
the mystical afterlife journey

43
00:02:07,480 --> 00:02:10,680
to the Field of Reeds
or whatever, looking like that.

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00:02:10,680 --> 00:02:12,520
Or smelling like this.

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00:02:12,520 --> 00:02:14,760
You smell like my nan, Seti!
FLIES BUZZ

46
00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:17,040
What are we calling it,
Hippopota-Musk?

47
00:02:17,040 --> 00:02:18,640
Let's get to work.

48
00:02:18,640 --> 00:02:20,600
You might want to lie down
for this bit.

49
00:02:21,640 --> 00:02:23,120
SMASH!

50
00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:24,520
Let's get organ cleansing.

51
00:02:27,640 --> 00:02:30,240
So, what we thought we'd do
is start out

52
00:02:30,240 --> 00:02:34,360
with some basic brain mushing
with this big, nasty hook.

53
00:02:34,360 --> 00:02:38,440
Vicious! Then we're going to pull
all that mush out through your nose.

54
00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:40,920
Does that sound OK to you,
sweetheart?

55
00:02:40,920 --> 00:02:42,920
His silence speaks volumes.

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Then we're going
to remove your lungs,

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00:02:44,880 --> 00:02:47,120
your intestines, your stomach,
your liver,

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and pop them
in these tiny little jars

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00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:51,680
so you can use them
in the afterlife.

60
00:02:51,680 --> 00:02:53,960
These little jars are just too cute.
But don't worry,

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00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:56,080
we're not going
to be leaving you feeling all empty.

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We're going to be stuffing
you to the brim with bits of grass,

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straw, mud, rags,

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and my personal favourite, sawdust.

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He is good to go!

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Yes, King! Total babe.

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00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:13,240
But I think it's time
that we sort out those threads.

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00:03:13,240 --> 00:03:15,640
Yeah. Now, clothes-wise,
I was thinking we'd just cover you

69
00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:18,000
in bandages with
magic spells written on?

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00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:19,440
Love that detail.

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00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:20,640
And to finish off,

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a tres chic death mask.

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What do you think, Seti?
"I SPHINX it's great!"

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I thought he was alive again
or something!

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00:03:27,560 --> 00:03:29,080
Do we think he's ready?

76
00:03:29,080 --> 00:03:31,720
BOTH: So ready, he's deady!

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Let's give this Pharaoh...

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FALLING OUT OF SYNC:
..some Sarcopha-Sass!

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00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:38,320
Come on, we practised that!
All right!

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00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:46,680
Before we met Seti I,
his look was dead boring.

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But look at him now.

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Talk about a yummy mummy!

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Work it, twerk it, strike a pose!

84
00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:56,560
And no-one can hold
a pose like Seti.

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00:03:56,560 --> 00:03:59,720
You are not the only one
that has died and gone to heaven!

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00:03:59,720 --> 00:04:03,320
Well, that's it for
today's special royal makeover.

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00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:04,840
Seti's ready for the afterlife

88
00:04:04,840 --> 00:04:08,400
and we're ready for the after...
After life...party. ..party.

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Sorry. Style it out.

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00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:15,800
I'm Cleopatra, one of the most
famous Ancient Egyptian pharaohs.

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00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:20,080
I ruled at the same time
as Julius Caesar and Mark Antony.

92
00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:21,680
Whazzup, Mark Anthony fans?

93
00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:24,600
Go away! This isn't about you! Whoa!
CAT SCREECHES

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00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:28,280
It's about me,
one of the last ever pharaohs.

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00:04:28,280 --> 00:04:31,400
And it's about the more than
150 other pharaohs

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00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:33,320
who came before me,

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including Tutankhamun, Ramesses II,

98
00:04:36,680 --> 00:04:39,240
and, way back at the very start,

99
00:04:39,240 --> 00:04:42,000
the first pharaoh, called Narmer.

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00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:44,760
Narmer is said to have
united the separate parts

101
00:04:44,760 --> 00:04:47,440
of Egypt into one kingdom.

102
00:04:47,440 --> 00:04:51,760
He eventually died an old man, but
it wasn't old age that killed him.

103
00:04:53,440 --> 00:04:55,480
Well, the palette is finished,

104
00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:57,520
Pharaoh. It is a carved record

105
00:04:57,520 --> 00:05:00,800
of the mighty deeds
of your 62-year reign.

106
00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:03,040
Oh, lovely! Gimme, gimme, gimme!

107
00:05:05,920 --> 00:05:07,840
Ahh, uhh!

108
00:05:07,840 --> 00:05:09,200
He's fine!

109
00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:11,200
Oh, oh! My back!

110
00:05:11,200 --> 00:05:13,480
Come on, up you pop. Ahh! Oh!

111
00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:16,920
Your Majesty, perhaps the weight
is beyond one who has lived so long.

112
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Nonsense! A trifle.

113
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After all, does not my name Narmer

114
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mean The Mighty Catfish?!

115
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NARMER COUGHS

116
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Oh! Hmm.

117
00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:34,200
Are you good? Yes. Yes.

118
00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:37,520
The pictures tell the story
of how you united

119
00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:39,960
the kingdoms of the lower
and upper Nile.

120
00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:42,280
Did I? Yes, you did.

121
00:05:42,280 --> 00:05:43,720
Oh, that's good of me.

122
00:05:43,720 --> 00:05:45,840
Combining their two crowns... Oh.

123
00:05:45,840 --> 00:05:48,160
..to make one pharaoh
of all Egypt.

124
00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:49,600
Ah.

125
00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:50,760
Ah...!

126
00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:52,080
Oh!

127
00:05:52,080 --> 00:05:54,440
Oh, no, I've gone again! He's OK.

128
00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:56,480
Uhh! Oh.

129
00:05:56,480 --> 00:06:00,120
It is a good crown but heavy
in weight

130
00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:03,520
and in responsibili...
COUGH!

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00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:05,120
..ty.

132
00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:07,760
You truly are the wisest of all.

133
00:06:07,760 --> 00:06:09,520
GRUNTS

134
00:06:09,520 --> 00:06:11,760
Oh, a hippo! Oh, I love hippos.

135
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:16,120
Pharaoh, should you really be
playing with hippos at your age?

136
00:06:17,200 --> 00:06:19,320
You won't catch me,
Mr Hipp... Oh-oh-oh!

137
00:06:19,320 --> 00:06:20,840
Ooh!

138
00:06:20,840 --> 00:06:22,360
Oh, that's got to hurt.

139
00:06:22,360 --> 00:06:25,720
Poor Pharaoh Narmer,
so wise in all things.

140
00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:27,440
Except hippos.

141
00:06:27,440 --> 00:06:32,360
GRUNTING
Oh! Nice...nice Mr Hippo. Good boy!

142
00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:34,280
Ahh!

143
00:06:34,280 --> 00:06:37,600
Us pharaohs were so powerful that,
if we wanted,

144
00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:40,800
we could make our people
build whole new cities,

145
00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:44,240
giant lighthouses or vast pyramids.

146
00:06:44,240 --> 00:06:45,400
Watch this.

147
00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:48,280
Oi, you, build me a pyramid!

148
00:06:48,280 --> 00:06:51,120
Build yourself a pyramid, Stinky!
GASPS

149
00:06:51,120 --> 00:06:53,360
Charming!

150
00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:56,040
So I guess it was all the pharaohs
apart from me

151
00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:57,840
who did the amazing stuff.

152
00:06:57,840 --> 00:07:01,960
Tutankhamun's dad, who was
a pharaoh called Amenhotep IV,

153
00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:06,520
even changed the number of gods
that people believed in.

154
00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:10,840
Wonder what the big
announcement's going to be.

155
00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:15,000
Hmm, I am hoping that
Pharaoh Amenhotep IV is going to

156
00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:18,720
announce a new religious holiday.
Oh, I love religious holidays. Hmm.

157
00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:20,960
People and priests of Egypt,

158
00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:24,400
your pharaoh, Acanaten,
wishes to speak with you.

159
00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:27,760
Well, that's great, Queen Nefertiti,
but the pharaoh's called Amenhotep.

160
00:07:27,760 --> 00:07:31,320
That is what
he wishes to speak to you about.

161
00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:34,000
I've changed my name
from Amenhotep...

162
00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:35,400
Right. OK...

163
00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:37,160
..to Akhenaten.

164
00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:41,480
Huh. That's a bit of a let down
cos I was hoping for the holiday.

165
00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:42,640
I know you were.

166
00:07:42,640 --> 00:07:45,440
Your pharaoh has taken the name
of the one true god...

167
00:07:46,880 --> 00:07:49,480
I think you are mistaken,
we have loads of gods.

168
00:07:49,480 --> 00:07:50,960
Absolutely loads.

169
00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:53,320
Not any more.

170
00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:55,440
From this day forth, my kingdom

171
00:07:55,440 --> 00:07:59,680
will reject all of the
old gods like Amen... Oh.

172
00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:02,080
..and worship just one god, Aten.
Is...

173
00:08:02,080 --> 00:08:04,200
The God of the Sun. Uh-huh.

174
00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:06,640
And worship of all the other
gods is now banned.

175
00:08:06,640 --> 00:08:08,880
Well, how do the other
gods feel about that?

176
00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:11,720
Look, it's perfectly simple.

177
00:08:11,720 --> 00:08:15,960

No, no, no

178
00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:20,840


179
00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:23,600

He's an old god

180
00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:27,200

worship the disc in the sky

181
00:08:27,200 --> 00:08:29,880


182
00:08:29,880 --> 00:08:33,560

and he is your new friend

183
00:08:33,560 --> 00:08:34,920


184
00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:39,000

I'm sorry, my pharaoh, go on

185
00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:43,720

Don't really need them

186
00:08:43,720 --> 00:08:48,320

Can't say I feel them

187
00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:50,560


188
00:08:50,560 --> 00:08:53,760

Let's hear you say

189
00:08:53,760 --> 00:08:58,320

No, no, no

190
00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:02,680


191
00:09:02,680 --> 00:09:06,960

He'll only talk to me

192
00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:10,480

I write him poetry

193
00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:15,160

Upon our family

194
00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:21,520

No, no, no

195
00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:26,200

Shh

196
00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:30,280

Must go, go!

197
00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:33,480


198
00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:36,880
Sorry, erm,
what does this mean for holidays?

199
00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:41,080
Hey, guys!

200
00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:44,720
It's your boy Irenakhty here to tell
you all about my job,

201
00:09:44,720 --> 00:09:47,080
AKA, the best job in the world!

202
00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:52,160
So, I work with the pharaoh.

203
00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:53,320
That's right.

204
00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:57,520
I get up close and personal
with literal living gods.

205
00:09:59,040 --> 00:10:01,440
Look, one of them even signed my
arm, how cool is that?

206
00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:06,000
What's the best bit about a pharaoh?

207
00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:07,120
Their crown, their gold,

208
00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:09,040
their dangerously unlimited power?

209
00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:12,840
It's their royal bums, of course.

210
00:10:12,840 --> 00:10:14,520
And that's my job.

211
00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:16,480
I am the royal bottom doctor,

212
00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:18,160
who gives enemas to pharaohs.

213
00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:19,200
I know, right?

214
00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:27,200
You know how, generally with butts,
it's all bad stuff,

215
00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:28,800
like, poo coming out?

216
00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:31,880
Well, enemas are when you
put good stuff, like medicine, in.

217
00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:35,360


218
00:10:35,360 --> 00:10:37,480
My full title is...

219
00:10:39,480 --> 00:10:41,840
That's roughly how it
translates into English.

220
00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:44,640
It is a tough job but
someone's got to do it.

221
00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:46,640
Now, let's look at the instruments

222
00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:50,320
us Ancient Egyptian
butt doctors used.

223
00:10:50,320 --> 00:10:54,360
A tube made of bone, perfect
for inserting into the royal rump.

224
00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:56,400
As is this one, made of reed.

225
00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:57,800
And this one, made of metal.

226
00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:03,520
Now, attached to one end of
the tube is a bag made of silk,

227
00:11:03,520 --> 00:11:06,760
or, if we're feeling really fancy,
ox bladder.

228
00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:10,800
Soz, oxes, I love you but I need
your bladder for my bottom pipes.

229
00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:14,840
And then I fill the bag with a
special blend of herbs and spices...

230
00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:16,680
Secret blend!

231
00:11:16,680 --> 00:11:18,320
Which I will NOT reveal.

232
00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:20,720
..mixed together with the
finest ingredients...

233
00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:26,200
Mmm-mmm! It's good enough to eat!

234
00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:27,320
But don't eat it...

235
00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:29,840
Pfffrrrttt!

236
00:11:29,840 --> 00:11:33,160
"What are enemas even for?!"
I hear you cry.

237
00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:34,680
Well, what aren't they for?

238
00:11:34,680 --> 00:11:36,480
Feeling diseased? Get an enema!

239
00:11:36,480 --> 00:11:38,200
Losing your hair? Get an enema!

240
00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:39,640
Going grey? Get an enema!

241
00:11:39,640 --> 00:11:42,320
Feeling like your spirit's
all icky? Get an enema!

242
00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:45,400
Getting bored of enemas?
You'd better get an enema!

243
00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:48,200
You know, some people call me
a hero and I'm, like,

244
00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:53,480
guys, I'm no hero, I'm just a humble
shepherd, a shepherd of the butt.

245
00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:55,440
Er, Mr Shepherd?

246
00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:56,520
My next appointment.

247
00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:57,600
What are we thinking?

248
00:11:57,600 --> 00:11:59,840
I'll be honest, it's a
metal tube kind of a day.

249
00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:02,680
I'll clear my schedule.

250
00:12:04,440 --> 00:12:05,800
Best job in the world.

251
00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:11,160
Wow! There's a long list
of bad jobs in history

252
00:12:11,160 --> 00:12:14,680
but Herdsman of the Butt
is at the bottom, literally!

253
00:12:14,680 --> 00:12:16,520
Ha-ha!

254
00:12:16,520 --> 00:12:19,640
Obviously, being pharaoh is
one of the best jobs

255
00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:21,440
but it could be dangerous,

256
00:12:21,440 --> 00:12:25,080
as sometimes pharaohs would have
to lead their armies into battles.

257
00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:28,480
Like the Battle of Kadesh, which was
fought between the Egyptians

258
00:12:28,480 --> 00:12:32,720
of Ramesses II and the Hittites
of King Hattusili III.

259
00:12:32,720 --> 00:12:36,000
And it's one of the most famous
battles of all time.

260
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:39,960
Neither side could win by fighting,
so they tried to make peace,

261
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:43,040
but that wasn't
smooth sailing either.

262
00:12:45,240 --> 00:12:47,440
Sorting out the beefs
of the past...

263
00:12:47,440 --> 00:12:49,880
I don't care if it
is a breathtaking monument,

264
00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:52,840
you cannot build a sphinx without
planning permission!

265
00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:54,840
..with the justice of today.

266
00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:57,200
And, honestly, half lion, half man?

267
00:12:57,200 --> 00:13:00,560
Just pick one
and stick to it next time!

268
00:13:00,560 --> 00:13:02,560
Welcome to...

269
00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:10,240
Ramesses II, third pharaoh
of the 19th Dynasty of Egypt,

270
00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:13,080
is in court to face the King
of the Hittites, Hattusili III,

271
00:13:13,080 --> 00:13:16,160
over who triumphed
at the Battle of Kadesh.

272
00:13:16,160 --> 00:13:19,600
OK, we all get it, you're the heads
of warring kingdoms,

273
00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:22,680
you both want the same land, you're
about to fight a battle over it,

274
00:13:22,680 --> 00:13:24,160
am I right?

275
00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:25,600
You're way off, Rinder.

276
00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:27,560
We actually just signed
a peace treaty

277
00:13:27,560 --> 00:13:28,840
on these massive,
silver tablets.

278
00:13:28,840 --> 00:13:30,440
Yeah, it's the
earliest example

279
00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:32,080
of a written
peace treaty, innit.

280
00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:33,920
We've even given each
other presents.

281
00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:36,120
And I'm also marrying his daughter.

282
00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:37,800
What's happening, babes?

283
00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:41,080
I just don't buy it, if you're
so nicey-nicey to each other,

284
00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:43,440
what on Earth
are you doing in my courtroom?

285
00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:45,920
Well, we's had a
slight disagreement

286
00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:48,400
on my stunning victory at
the Battle of Kadesh,

287
00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:51,120
where my armies completely
destroyed that of his brother's.

288
00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:53,560
What?! My brother totally
trashed your Egyptian forces.

289
00:13:53,560 --> 00:13:55,640
As if!
Admit you lost!

290
00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:57,680
No, I didn't!
Admit it! Admit it!

291
00:13:57,680 --> 00:13:59,920
Admit it! I won!
That's it!

292
00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:02,040
I'm banning tablets
from the courtroom! Aw!

293
00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:04,480
Ramesses, just give
me your version of events.

294
00:14:04,480 --> 00:14:06,320
Right. There I was, all alone.

295
00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:08,880
The Hittites, I slaughtered
them all at will.

296
00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:10,080
Whopta-whopta-whopta!

297
00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:11,720
You allow this?
He's making it up!

298
00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:13,200
You'll get your turn!

299
00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:16,080
And their arms went limp,
so they couldn't shoot.

300
00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:18,720
I made them plunge
into the water like crocodiles.

301
00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:21,040
You had way more
casualties than us!

302
00:14:21,040 --> 00:14:22,160
Well, if I'm lying,

303
00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:24,800
then why is my
version of events written all over

304
00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:27,280
the Egyptian temples in Luxor?
Why is that then? Why is that?

305
00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:29,560
Because you put it there
on the tablets.

306
00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:31,560
You even sent me
a copy, innit?

307
00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:32,760
Oh, I wish
I'd never said

308
00:14:32,760 --> 00:14:34,440
that my daughter
could marry him.

309
00:14:34,440 --> 00:14:36,240
She'd be better off with a hippo.
Ey, whaaaat?

310
00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:38,480
This is Battle of Kadesh part two,
you know.

311
00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:39,680
Come on, then! OK!

312
00:14:39,680 --> 00:14:40,800
Woo! Woo!

313
00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:41,840
Order! Order!

314
00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:43,920
Goodness me. If this
is the two of you at peace,

315
00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:46,120
I'd hate to see
the two of you at war.

316
00:14:46,120 --> 00:14:49,040
You've signed a peace treaty,
now honour it, Hattusili.

317
00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:51,600
Fine. I promise
to protect his nation, innit?

318
00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:53,000
Ramesses?

319
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:55,440
Yeah, yeah, I guess I promise to
protect his nation too.

320
00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:56,600
Well, thank you.

321
00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:58,800
Even though mine is better
and I won the Battle of Kadesh, woo!

322
00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:00,000
Right!

323
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:03,160
Order! Order! Bailiff, all of this
nonsense is giving me a headache.

324
00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:05,280
Please, could you
go and find me a tablet?

325
00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:06,600
Oh, you take it out?

326
00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:08,240
Not that sort of tablet.

327
00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:11,040
Although that would look
rather good in my bathroom.

328
00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:12,680
Go on, man! I beat you like a drum.

329
00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:14,080
I beat you like a drum, man!

330
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:15,480
Yeah, there you go!

331
00:15:15,480 --> 00:15:19,800
Bonjour. I am Napolean Bonaparte
and in 1798,

332
00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:23,440
I took 40,000 magnificent
French soldiers to capture Egypt.

333
00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:26,440
There, we saw ancient wonders,
like the pyramids, the Sphinx

334
00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:28,520
and the tombs of the pharaohs.

335
00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:31,920
It was a land awash
with history and culture.

336
00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:35,960
So, what present did my wife receive
when I got back from the trip?

337
00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:39,400
Was it, A,
a jewelled scarab beetle necklace?

338
00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:42,720
B, a gold statue of Ramesses II?

339
00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:44,840
Or C, a mummified head?

340
00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:47,440
The answer

341
00:15:47,440 --> 00:15:51,120
is C, a mummified head!

342
00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:54,040
Ha-ha! Talk about a gift
that money can't buy, am I right?

343
00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:55,920
Look how much fun this is!

344
00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:57,960
"I'm not going back in
the sarcophagus."

345
00:15:57,960 --> 00:16:00,000
You HAVE to go back
into the sarcophagus.

346
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:03,000
"You can't make me!
I'm going to tell my mummy."

347
00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:05,640
Don't be silly, you ARE a mummy!

348
00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:07,200
Ha-ha!

349
00:16:08,840 --> 00:16:11,440
Oh, I should have got her flowers,
shouldn't I?

350
00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:16,560
Fearful of an uprising,

351
00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:18,080
Pharaoh Apries has sent

352
00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:20,000
his special envoy Patarbemis

353
00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:24,160
to order the rebel leader Amasis
to surrender immediately.

354
00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:28,840
Amasis, you go too far.

355
00:16:28,840 --> 00:16:31,600
How dare you lead this revolution

356
00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:34,960
against the true
Egyptian Pharaoh Apries?

357
00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:39,560
He will crush you and your army like
the insects that you are,

358
00:16:39,560 --> 00:16:42,920
unless I can convince you to
lay down your weapons and surrender.

359
00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:47,240
Then, perhaps, he may be merciful.

360
00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:50,200
I have but one message
for your pharaoh.

361
00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:52,840
PARRRRP!

362
00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:55,120
Wha...what?

363
00:16:55,120 --> 00:16:56,480
Take that back to
your pharaoh!

364
00:16:57,640 --> 00:16:59,240
Sorry, take what
back to my pharaoh?

365
00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:01,360
Oh, you want me to repeat myself?
No problem.

366
00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:03,240
PARRP!

367
00:17:03,240 --> 00:17:05,560
You dare to pass wind

368
00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:07,760
in front of the representative
of the Pharaoh?

369
00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:08,920
PARP!

370
00:17:08,920 --> 00:17:10,200
Yep. Stop that!

371
00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:11,320
PARP!
Nope.

372
00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:12,480
Stop it!
PARP!

373
00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:14,000
Sto...!
PARP, PARP, PARP!

374
00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:16,120
Stop! Stop!
PARP!

375
00:17:16,120 --> 00:17:17,360
Stop!

376
00:17:17,360 --> 00:17:19,680
Please, if I do not return
with you, the Pharaoh...

377
00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:21,200
PARP!

378
00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:23,800
..the Pharaoh will cut off my ears

379
00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:26,160
and cut off my nose for my failure.

380
00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:29,200
I mean, that's probably for the
best, given how bad this one smells.

381
00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:30,800
PAAAARRRRRRPPPPP!

382
00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:33,640
That does it.

383
00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:35,760
You have made a powerful
enemy today,

384
00:17:35,760 --> 00:17:38,200
who will rain vengeance down
on you like...

385
00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:39,320
HE SNIFFS

386
00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:41,080
Oh, no, that one just reached me.

387
00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:43,560
Oh, that is vile!

388
00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:45,160
Oh, you're an animal!

389
00:17:45,160 --> 00:17:46,280
Ugh!

390
00:17:46,280 --> 00:17:48,600
Oh, you need to see someone. Ugh!

391
00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:50,080
Come, we must move quickly.

392
00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:51,440
PARRP!

393
00:17:51,440 --> 00:17:52,760
I need to change my pants.

394
00:17:57,560 --> 00:17:59,160
So, Mark Antony,

395
00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:00,960
tell me about this girl
you're here to meet.

396
00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:02,560
Yeah, she's pretty fit.

397
00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:04,120
She's actually ruler of Egypt.

398
00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:06,080
But, er, nothing can
happen between us.

399
00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:08,080
She's Julius Caesar's ex,
and you know the saying -

400
00:18:08,080 --> 00:18:09,760
bros before pharaohs.

401
00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:11,920
But she's beautiful,
intelligent, funny,

402
00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:13,800
and... Oh!

403
00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:15,960
Man, has she got a sweet ride!

404
00:18:17,760 --> 00:18:19,200
Wow!

405
00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:20,680
Ooh-ooh!

406
00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:23,160
Cor, that is one massive barge!

407
00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:25,040
Oh, no! How do you stop this thing?

408
00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:26,560
Ah! Ooh!

409
00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:28,480
And it's quite difficult to park.

410
00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:31,160
Hey, there, Mark Antony.

411
00:18:31,160 --> 00:18:34,280
Sorry I had to turn up in
this tatty old boat.

412
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:37,320
Tatty?! Your Majesty had us up
all night working on it

413
00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:38,800
to impress the Romans.

414
00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:39,880
Ah!

415
00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:40,920
Huh.

416
00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:42,640
It's OK, I've
got another one.

417
00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:43,760
Your Majesty.

418
00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:44,840
PLAYS FLUTE

419
00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:47,560
Why don't you come aboard
my little boat?

420
00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:48,760
I'm OK!

421
00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:49,880
Agh!

422
00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:51,040
Are those oars silver?

423
00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:55,440
Might be.

424
00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:57,120
This barge smells amazing.

425
00:18:57,120 --> 00:18:59,680
I mean, it'll make the
whole dock smell good.

426
00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:01,800
Which is handy because,
at the moment, it smells of...

427
00:19:01,800 --> 00:19:03,160
MOO!
PARP, SPLASH!

428
00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:04,480
Yes, well.

429
00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:05,880
I'm so glad you like me barge.

430
00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:08,360
Not that I brought it
here to impress you or anything,

431
00:19:08,360 --> 00:19:11,160
but this deck is painted in gold.

432
00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:12,520
Ooh, shiny!

433
00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:16,240
So, why did the big,
important Roman general

434
00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:18,920
want to see little old me, hmm?

435
00:19:18,920 --> 00:19:20,080
Ha!

436
00:19:20,080 --> 00:19:23,160
Well, I was wondering if you'd be
interested in some sort of alliance.

437
00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:26,520
Ah, you want me to use me riches
to make us a power couple

438
00:19:26,520 --> 00:19:28,880
so we can take over
the entire world?

439
00:19:28,880 --> 00:19:31,520
What? Well...er, yeah,
something like that.

440
00:19:31,520 --> 00:19:34,920
Why don't you and me go for
a sail in me golden barge

441
00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:36,520
and talk about this some more?

442
00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:37,720
Forwards!

443
00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:41,080
Good times. Where are we going?

444
00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:43,840
We? Ah!
SHE GIGGLES

445
00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:45,520
It's OK. I've got another one.

446
00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:47,760
THEY BOTH LAUGH

447
00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:49,360
Help! A fish stole my flute.

448
00:19:49,360 --> 00:19:50,840
FLUTE PLAYS RANDOMLY

449
00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:51,880
Oh!

450
00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:56,080
Nothing lasts forever,
not even pharaohs.

451
00:19:56,080 --> 00:19:59,440
Cleopatra was one of the last,
and she famously had children

452
00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:01,760
with Roman Emperor Julius Caesar

453
00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:04,320
and Roman general Mark Antony.

454
00:20:04,320 --> 00:20:07,640
After she and her children died,
the title of pharaoh

455
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:10,520
was then actually also held
by the Roman Emperor.

456
00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:13,840
You'd think that'd be a
cushy little number,

457
00:20:13,840 --> 00:20:17,720
but for Maximinus Daza,
the last ever Roman Emperor Pharaoh,

458
00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:19,840
that wasn't quite the case.

459
00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:21,200
Mm-mm-mm!

460
00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:26,040
MAN: ..and he was covered in bread
by the end of the day.

461
00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:27,760
It was like bread everywhere!

462
00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:29,240
He was like a man made of bread.

463
00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:31,440
Drink, please.

464
00:20:32,560 --> 00:20:33,840
Are you OK down there?

465
00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:35,680
Yeah, yeah. All good.

466
00:20:35,680 --> 00:20:37,760
What brings you to Tarsus?

467
00:20:37,760 --> 00:20:39,320
I'd really rather not say.

468
00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:41,520
All right,
I was only being friendly.

469
00:20:41,520 --> 00:20:43,160
Just, I really want to stay
out of sight,

470
00:20:43,160 --> 00:20:46,160
just in case people are
looking for me because, er..

471
00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:47,840
..in truth...

472
00:20:47,840 --> 00:20:50,040
..I'm the Emperor of Rome,
Maximinus Daza.

473
00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:52,920
BOTH LAUGH

474
00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:56,480
What would the Emperor of Rome
be doing here in Tarsus?

475
00:20:56,480 --> 00:20:57,800
If he's the Emperor of Rome...

476
00:20:57,800 --> 00:20:59,160
Sh! Keep your voice down!

477
00:20:59,160 --> 00:21:00,440
..I'm the Pharaoh of Egypt!

478
00:21:00,440 --> 00:21:02,200
Oh, hello, Pharaoh!

479
00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:04,680
But, actually, you can't be
the Pharaoh of Egypt

480
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:06,240
because I am also that as well.

481
00:21:06,240 --> 00:21:08,360
Oh, of course he's the Pharaoh
as well!

482
00:21:08,360 --> 00:21:10,200
Just keep it down!

483
00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:12,200
Funny guy!

484
00:21:12,200 --> 00:21:15,080
Funny guy.
Look, it's very, very simple, OK?

485
00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:18,200
I am both the Emperor of Rome
and the Pharaoh of Egypt, so...

486
00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:21,920
I mean, you don't dress
very Egyptian for a pharaoh!

487
00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:24,080
That's because I'm in hiding.

488
00:21:24,080 --> 00:21:27,640
Anyway, the pharaoh hasn't actually
come from Egypt for about 600 years.

489
00:21:27,640 --> 00:21:28,840
BOTH: Ooh!

490
00:21:28,840 --> 00:21:30,240
Of course! Silly us.

491
00:21:30,240 --> 00:21:31,760
Look, if you must know,

492
00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:34,040
the Persians took the
title after they conquered Egypt,

493
00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:35,800
then the Greeks
conquered the Persians,

494
00:21:35,800 --> 00:21:38,120
then after Cleopatra,
it went to the Romans.

495
00:21:38,120 --> 00:21:40,120
Right, and that's how you got it,

496
00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:42,720
because you're the Emperor of Rome!

497
00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:44,760
Stop calling me the Emperor of Rome!

498
00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:46,040
Even though I am.

499
00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:47,440
You just don't want us to say that

500
00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:48,920
because you don't want
everyone knowing

501
00:21:48,920 --> 00:21:50,640
you've been telling porky pies.

502
00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:52,960
No, it's because I was
deposed by my fellow Emperor,

503
00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:56,120
Licinius Maximinus, and now
his people are hunting for me!

504
00:21:56,120 --> 00:21:58,400
Listen, babes, if you
want to go round the place

505
00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:00,920
telling people you're
a pharaoh/emperor,

506
00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:03,320
you carry on. I don't judge.

507
00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:05,360
So, neither of you believe me.
OK, great!

508
00:22:05,360 --> 00:22:07,280
Oh, no, I'm sorry, babes.

509
00:22:07,280 --> 00:22:08,640
Hail Caesar!

510
00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:10,080
What did I say to you?
What did I say?

511
00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:13,160
Oh, sorry. Hello... Hello.
..Caesar.

512
00:22:13,160 --> 00:22:14,680
Er, we need to go, sire.

513
00:22:14,680 --> 00:22:16,080
Ah! Mister.

514
00:22:16,080 --> 00:22:17,840
Erm, buddy?

515
00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:19,400
Don't touch me. Yeah.

516
00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:21,080
We shouldn't stay too
long in one place.

517
00:22:21,080 --> 00:22:23,200
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

518
00:22:23,200 --> 00:22:25,280
We'll move on, we'll move on.
Go, go, go!

519
00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:26,880
Centurion, as well, so...

520
00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:30,200
..believe people
when they say things, yeah?

521
00:22:32,880 --> 00:22:34,240
I knew he was the Emperor.

522
00:22:34,240 --> 00:22:37,480
Oh, yeah. I mean,
I can spot a pharaoh a mile off.

523
00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:39,240
Cos I'm the King of Germania.

524
00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:41,000
Shut up. Can I have a free drink?

525
00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:42,280
No.

526
00:22:43,680 --> 00:22:45,960
And that's the end of the pharaohs.

527
00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:48,720
All we're really left with
are the monuments they built

528
00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:50,800
and the treasures
we found in their tombs -

529
00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:53,040
things that were left with
their mummified remains

530
00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:54,920
that the Ancient Egyptians believed

531
00:22:54,920 --> 00:22:57,160
would help get
them into the afterlife.

532
00:22:57,160 --> 00:23:00,320
Here are three of the greatest
to tell us all about it.

533
00:23:12,920 --> 00:23:15,200

To the valley of death

534
00:23:15,200 --> 00:23:17,040


535
00:23:17,040 --> 00:23:18,640


536
00:23:18,640 --> 00:23:21,600

Got a neme on my head

537
00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:24,760

From the Book Of The Dead

538
00:23:24,760 --> 00:23:27,320

To the sun god Ra

539
00:23:27,320 --> 00:23:30,760

There's many things we must say

540
00:23:30,760 --> 00:23:33,800

Never been an eavesdropper

541
00:23:33,800 --> 00:23:35,160


542
00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:36,960


543
00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:39,640

Written for each soul

544
00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:42,720

We only got one goal

545
00:23:42,720 --> 00:23:45,480

once we cease to be

546
00:23:45,480 --> 00:23:48,520

for all eternity

547
00:23:48,520 --> 00:23:49,600


548
00:23:49,600 --> 00:23:51,440


549
00:23:51,440 --> 00:23:54,760


550
00:23:54,760 --> 00:23:57,160


551
00:23:57,160 --> 00:24:01,080


552
00:24:06,720 --> 00:24:08,240


553
00:24:08,240 --> 00:24:09,680


554
00:24:09,680 --> 00:24:12,920

and other pharaoh trappings

555
00:24:12,920 --> 00:24:15,800

You know it 'ain't easy

556
00:24:15,800 --> 00:24:17,720

against a feather

557
00:24:17,720 --> 00:24:19,000


558
00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:21,240

'cross the Lily Lake

559
00:24:21,240 --> 00:24:24,360

the ferry man will take us

560
00:24:24,360 --> 00:24:26,080


561
00:24:26,080 --> 00:24:27,480


562
00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:28,920


563
00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:30,800


564
00:24:30,800 --> 00:24:34,000

but a new form of living

565
00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:37,000

Dead and the advice it's giving

566
00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:39,720

but will I ever see 20 though?

567
00:24:39,720 --> 00:24:41,840


568
00:24:41,840 --> 00:24:43,480


569
00:24:43,480 --> 00:24:45,320


570
00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:48,760


571
00:24:48,760 --> 00:24:51,600


572
00:24:51,600 --> 00:24:55,480


573
00:24:55,480 --> 00:24:57,680


574
00:24:57,680 --> 00:25:01,480


575
00:25:01,480 --> 00:25:03,480


576
00:25:03,480 --> 00:25:06,920

pharaoh's paradise.

577
00:25:09,720 --> 00:25:11,840
OMP for pharaoh!

578
00:25:11,840 --> 00:25:14,280
I SPHINX it's great!

579
00:25:14,280 --> 00:25:16,680
You smell like
my nan, Seti.

580
00:25:16,680 --> 00:25:18,800
What are we calling this?
Hippopotamus...?

581
00:25:18,800 --> 00:25:20,720
LAUGHTER

582
00:25:20,720 --> 00:25:23,520

longer a mystery

583
00:25:23,520 --> 00:25:24,880


584
00:25:24,880 --> 00:25:28,240